Finding Self Love with Kate Gutierrez

In this episode, Kate Gutierrez takes us through the series of events in her life that unfolded to ultimately lead her to find self-love and inspire others to do the same.

Starting at birth, Kate was born with Crouzon Syndrome, a rare craniofacial disorder.  Kate highlights the pivotal moment when her face reconstruction surgery, initially meant to fix her condition, went disastrously wrong due to an ego-driven surgeon. She candidly discusses her struggles with self-acceptance during her teenage years, learning to find forgiveness and the moment she decided enough was enough with her inner negativity.

Using TikTok, affirmations, and other self-help strategies Kate found self-love and the ability to recognize her gifts. If you want to hear more about her story and find more inspiration,  check out her TikTok channel or listen to her podcast, Infinite Love.

Did you know September is Craniofacial Acceptance Month? Learn more here

Are you due for a check-in with yourself? Grab my free guide here. 

Transcript

Amber: This week on the Life After podcast we have Katie Gutierrez. She is going to share her story of living with Crouzon Syndrome and how that has led her ultimately to have a podcast called Infinite Love and a TikTok where she really encourages people to love themselves. So Katie, do you wanna just jump in, share with us what Crouzon Syndrome is? I had to Google it. I didn't realize how common it. I'm sure not everyone is familiar with it. 

Kate: Sure. Well, back in 1980 wasn't very common, or at least it wasn't really expressed during that time. 

Well, prior to that time, anyone formed a disability was kind of shunned away and placed into facilities as treatment or kind of just separate themselves. So being early eighties I wasn't really diagnosed right away. My mom had a feeling something was wrong. She couldn't tell you, couldn't notice anything different, but she just had that motherly instinct. 

And after several different visits to several different hospitals in Chicago, she finally was able to go into the last hospital and they're like, yes, your daughter has Crouzon Syndrome. Which is one mutated chromosome in the body and it's usually hereditary, but it wasn't in either of my parents and I was just the luck of the draw. 

So after they finally got diagnosed it, I think at the time they were only three doctors in the US who had studied in Europe about cranial facial syndromes, different types. There's several hundred in the categories, but these three doctors came back to the US, one went to Texas, and two, luckily were in Chicago. 

Again, luck of the draw. I was placed in the hands of a doctor that wasn't so much about the compassion of fixing my face. In his terms, he was going to fix God's mistake is what he told my parents. So you could tell that he already had ego, you know, dripping out of him. And he saw this as a flashy case. And at the time too, they weren't doing this yet, but there was collaboration of doctors amongst different hospitals and that was pretty huge. So they wanted to publicize this and, you know, bring in the news. 

 And again, did not go as well because I think he was a little overzealous. And what they do is it's supposed to be called a monoblock, which nowadays is what they call a halo, where it kind of brings your whole face forward slowly as you are aging and right after growth spurts. What Crouzon Syndrome is, is basically all the bones in my face fused together. So there was no soft spot, there was no room for the bones to expand for myself, my brain, and everything to grow, which then could have been severely detrimental, including death. 

But I had time. And so after a lot of procedures, a lot of visits, a lot of doctors, they went ahead with the surgery, but they didn't have the halo in 1982, unfortunately. So what he was gonna do was cut from ear to ear and pull my entire face away or forward I should say. And nowadays it's called the fork one, two, and three, which would be mid-face, forehead, and lower jaw. 

They would do it in sections and he pulled it away like a hockey mask is the best way to give a visual or describe this is pull all the bones little fragile bones far back. Again, overzealous, and he pulled too hard, too far, and it snapped, which meant that my entire face came back and it crushed every bone in my face, breaking some, and then he basically just sewed me up and walked away, you know, told my parents everything was great, everything was successful. 

 And it really wasn't because obviously he had left all the shatteredness in my face and sewed me up and I had staph and MERSA, so I was very sick, very ill, and slowly dying. 

Amber: So the surgeon completely lied to your parents' face and left you in worse 

Kate: condition. 

Yes. And obviously they didn't go ahead with the news and all that . He knew that this was obviously not a success story. So cowardly walked away, but at the time there was a woman who was kind of placed in our life as an angel, I called her. And she was a genetic counselor, and those people work with families of children with disabilities or illnesses, chronic illnesses. It's similar to me as like grief. Like trying to understand and accept and embrace what you don't know and work as a family and you know how life will be afterwards. 

But my mom and her became best friends because she had to work closely with us and they even became pen pals. Obviously at the time there's no cell phones, which I love 'cause I came across her letters and they really were very close. She's not obviously on the surgical team, but because of his ego, he had invited her into the surgery so she was well aware of what was going on, and well aware of him walking away being hush h. 

It took it upon herself to approach my appearance and say, ask a lot of questions knowing that this, that she was sacrificing her job because you don't speak against doctors or hospitals you know. So my parents did, and obviously then it went to court and all my mom wanted was his certificate, his license to be taken away for the fact that one, he was trying to play God or above God because he said he was gonna fix God's mistakes. And two, he was willing to walk away and not take any accountability, but he still got to walk away. The hospital covered the expenses and that was that. And then I was left to have a lot more surgeries. 

But the other beautiful thing is, like I said, there was two doctors in Chicago, so I was placed into this man's hands and he had a lot of work to do. And I know that it was hard for him, but he did the best he could for what little was left of my face. And at the time, obviously there was still not advancements in medical. 

I believe the CAT scan had just come out at that time too, so you could tell that they were just growing in newly inventions, but not yet there. 

Amber: I'm trying to time travel in my brain because it's a complex surgery, it's moving your entire face, 

21 hours surgery. 

Oh my gosh. That's a very long surgery. And then to have limited technology and limited tools . I'm just thinking now how much imaging they do and how much planning they do for surgeries like this very complex surgery. 

Kate: Yeah, and what made it harder though is because obviously then as time went on and he had to do a couple surgeries just to recorrect everything. 

 One of my first videos in TikTok I shared some of the pictures, you know, a little graphic, but he had a lot to reconstruct, with scar tissue over time too. That also is metal plates and screw. 

Amber: So you had this super complex surgery, you had to do reconstruction. Working with scar tissues, you have metal plates and everything else. I imagine that this was a several year long process for you. How old were you as you were going through this 

process? was 

Amber: your last surgery and what was that like for you growing ? 

Kate: The first time I stopped at the age of nine I had at least 20 surgeries at the time. And some were minor, some were big. But my body just, I miss being a kid. I spent most of my summers, 'cause obviously once I was in school, that was when you could really have surgeries, was on my breaks because I was missing a lot of school with recovery and 

they had thought that they should, you know, hold me back a grade, but I have a younger brother and us together would never have worked two little troublemakers. So they just kept pushing me forward, you know, assisting me. But I fell far behind in school and I just missed being a kid. 

I didn't feel like I looked different. I never noticed that about myself. I was surrounded by so many beautiful people in the neighborhood. Lots of friends. I come from a very large Irish family, so I have well over 80 something first cousins and always around people. So I never felt different and I just wanted to be free. I wanted to live, and so I had asked my mom and I was so nervous about it you know, shy about it, like I was doing something wrong by saying that, but, My mom ultimately left it up to me. And so I stopped and then I grew up a little bit, but puberty hits and puberty definitely was something different for me. The emotions come with and the comparing yourself to others and, you know, dating and all this other stuff. 

 My teenage years were my hardest because this is where I really lost myself. I. I disconnected completely and obviously growing up I was more conditioned by hating a man who did this to me. So I put all that blame and anger on him, but I silenced that anger and everything about me I buried because all my life I was told how strong I was. 

Just how brave and. Amazing spirit, how positive I am. Yet I was like suffering and dying eternally, deep inside. And I didn't know how to communicate this, so I just held onto it. Buried it, buried it, you know? And eventually you wanna explode. In high school, I was very popular. I made lots of friends and I never stuck to just one clique. 

As people say, I hated being placed in a category in a box, and I never realized until I started doing self healing journey, was I placed my own self in these boxes. And that was like a wow factor for me because, I hated when people judge me, let you know society who didn't know me, judged me, but I hated when my friends judged me. 

Like, oh, you hanging out with that group? Or, oh, you know, that's not us. I was the athlete. I was a funny one, but I was also the mascot out of our high school, and I was just not connected to myself. I, I didn't like being labeled. But yet I wasn't even accepting my own label that I was different. And I think that's where things just got so misconstrued within me and I kept fighting it. 

So finally at 16, I had asked my mom can, we have surgeries. And I built this notion that the next surgery was gonna be the perfect one that would fix me. That ultimately everything would just erase, you know? And I know how naive that sounds. But it was like I lived in this distorted illusion of hope that it would be just enough that people would just stop staring or stop saying comments, and majority of it wasn't teenagers, wasn't people I was around. 

It was adults, young adults, and I just didn't understand that. I didn't understand the toxicity of it, the, the hurt, you know? And obviously now it's hurt people hurt people, and I get that. I totally understand because I was hurt, I was hurting my own self. I was denying myself and not embracing myself. 

I had no self-love in here, but I poured out the love I was able to give so freely and every night I would just be, So low on energy, you know, and struggle in silence. I just always fought these demons within by myself because I just had to live up to some standard that for some notion that people kept saying as long as I've been alive, people will continue to say how strong I am. 

But now I embrace it because I know who I am. I know I'm a fighter, I know I'm a warrior. But I wasn't always that person that knew that. It wasn't until they started those surgeries and at 21 I was so done already. I was like, this is exhausting. I, I don't want this. I I grew such PTSD from the operating room that I was just creating more negativity in my world. 

I was just adding and adding and adding this toxicity within me of hanging on to these notions that these surgeons were gonna be some miracle and nothing was gonna fix my face, but I could fix who I am and how I feel about myself. But that didn't even happen until the pandemic, till I turned 40. And I sat in this beautiful home of my own and sat in silence and all those negative self-talk that I was, you know, conditioned to live in all my life, came crawling back and I was like, oh God, I'm, I'm not doing this again. 

So that's when I did guide my life back in order. 'cause at 30 I was already starting to do some of the work. I was starting to kind of pull back on all the energy I was giving everyone else. And somewhat pouring into myself by traveling and looking at the world. But I was still, you know, silencing the pain I was feeling. 

And then there I had it. I had the whole year to sit in the house and figure out this pain. And that's the accountability. It starts with I have to own the choices I've made in my life first before I start pointing fingers at anyone else. I played a role in my life too. I played a role in hanging onto the hatred for a man that just was doing what he was doing as a surgeon. 

I can't control his ego. I know that he didn't fix God's mistakes. And I know these aren't God's mistakes. This is my journey and this is my story, but I have to accept the fact that I denied my own self. So I just kind of embarked on the self healing journey. And it was rough. 

Amber: There was someone on Facebook and they said, during the pandemic we were either by ourselves or with the people in our household, but all the stuff was gonna come out, you are gonna have to figure it out. 

'cause there was nowhere else to go because everything was shut down. And I think that it was an opportunity for us to Delve into some self-examination and sort some things out. 

Kate: It really was it was awakening. I just said I can either make these changes 'cause the cycles I'm already living aren't very fun or I can choose the same cycles, you know? 

And obviously being a teacher and you're bored and what do you do? You go on Zoom with your friends and you talk all night, you drink all night and then you're hungover. And that wasn't fun. That wasn't me. Cause by the end of it, it's like you just said goodbye to seven people you were on Zoom with, and yes, you had the time of your life and yes, it felt so good to see them through a computer. 

But then you close the computer and you look around and you're just back to reality, you're alone. You're in your head, you're in the thoughts, and now you're not feeling so you and so alive. And I was like, I can't do this. So that's when I started doing more of like getting outside. 

So I started walking, I started going to the forest preserves. I started hiking. I did things that I didn't even know I enjoyed, and I found a lot more passions. And then I started doing this. I started doing TikTok and my best friend at the time was encouraging me, like, you should do this. 

You should put your story out there- your journey and your self healing. And at the time, I'm one of those people that was learning like, don't force, don't rush the process. And it took me a while to jump in to it. And then one day I started doing meditation and yoga - getting really creative with how to keep myself busy, not be on TV all day long. 

And one day I just sat there, I was like, I'm ready to do this. It had been a while and I was doing the inner work and I felt better each day. I felt more alive. I felt more in love with life. I wasn't necessarily a hundred percent in love with myself yet, but I was getting there. 

And then I started that world and it was scary, but like a good scary, and that's how I know, my intuition was kicking in. When you are afraid of something, but yet you know you want to do it, it's like take that leap for yourself. That tells you, because if it comes too easy, it's not going to teach you anything valuable or allow you to grow because you're so comfortable with it. 

So of course you're gonna do it. And I was tired of the comfortability of even living in a negative lifestyle, you know? And so I knew that this was scary, but yet exciting. So I was like, all right, it's time. That's my intuition telling me do it. And so I started doing it, and I told myself, there's no expectations. 

I'm not here to go viral. I'm not looking for all this, but my intentions were, I would love to be aligned with the right people, the right souls who get it, who need to hear my message. Because I'm sharing this as I'm going through this journey. Just like I said healing isn't linear. 

It's not something that happens overnight and you're not 1000% fixed. You can do all the work and then turn the next corner and all of a sudden you're hit with something brand new . But now it's funny because I tell my friends, I'm like, Ooh, I love the lessons, but they look at me like I'm crazy and I'm like, I'll admit I don't love the feelings. 

 I don't wanna break down and cry one minute, but I know within me that I'm going to be okay, and that I'm going to become better and stronger maybe within the hour, maybe within a day or two. I trust that I believe in that because I didn't come this far to do all this work to truly find myself and find self love and self worth, and then just like, that's it. 

Oh my God, life is so horrible. Like, why am I being tested? I'm done asking the whys. I know why I'm being tested because there's a little bit more of me that needs healing. So now I just say I kind of enjoy it and I embrace the good moments too. Don't get me wrong. 

Yeah. That's a really powerful perspective to have when we do have something not enjoyable happen, because that's life, right? It's an opportunity to see what's inside of us that does need to be healed. And I think it puts a different perspective on it. 

And I notice that a lot of my compliments are, you know, I love that you're positive, your positive. 

 I don't attach myself to that notion either because. I love being positive. I express that on TikTok and, and in my podcast. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days. We all do. 

Yeah. 

I'm a woman who has PMS. Of course I'm gonna have bad, reality is reality. 

But I'm gonna choose to stay positive about the outcome. Even if I'm negative in the moment, I'll allow myself the negative moment. But I tell myself, you're only allowed this much time to be in this thought because it can overcome you and it can take you down. And that's your choice, your accountability. 

And that's kind of what's allowed me to say, okay, yeah, if I choose to be negative and toxic in this moment, then I'm going to have to learn a very hard Karmic lesson in a minute. So what do you wanna do with it to? And if I am emotionally a wreck, I can't get off the ground or get off the couch. 

I'll set a timer and I got 30 minutes, 30 minutes to cry this out. Get up. And then I kind of laugh when the timer goes off because even if I'm still having that emotional outburst, I'm like, I don't have time for you timer. You know? 'cause then all of a sudden now my mind is refocused on the timer and not my emotion. 

I'm like, oh, that was easy. That was quick fix, you know? You held yourself accountable. Don't get up and change your thoughts, change your patterns. What are you gonna do in the future to not allow this to happen? 

Amber: Giving yourself back that power, that's important. 

That's within your control. There's a lot of parallels, in your inner work, in your surgeries that I can see. You're giving yourself the choice. I can choose to be negative or I can choose a different thought. I can choose to sit on the couch and cry about this all day, or I can give myself a limit and then, move forward. 

 That's important to remind ourselves that we do have the power to make different choices. 

Kate: That's something I never understood, and it's something I'm grateful for. Gratitude. It started off with accountability. I just start with myself first. 

If I'm gonna look in that mirror, finally I'm gonna take accountability for the things I've done good and bad . And I have affirmations, and this is like on my TikTok, but I have affirmations that I look at every day. 

And I didn't write those until I was ready to, because there was one thing that I was always told was like, fake it till you make it. I can't. I did that for 30 plus years and I was barely making it. So when I hear that term, it's like, I get it. I get why people choose to do that, but for me, I cringe. 

I just can't fake it. So I can't write something on a wall and say, I love this about myself if I don't align with it. So the sense of pride and this positivity and joy, it was as if I was taking weights. I've been carrying all my life slowly off myself and I was like, wow, I'm free. 

Like, this is great. I can look in the mirror and say, I love you. I love your scars. I love your flaws. And that's hard understanding and realize we're not perfect. We're perfectly imperfect. And the more you embrace your flaws, the more you start loving yourself a lot more. 

Because if I'm gonna sit here and fixate on every single flaw I have, well then I might as well just sit on that couch the rest of my life and live in that. In those moments of darkness that I was already enduring, it was like, no, I'd rather be the light in my own darkness 

I don't need anyone else to save me. 

I can save myself. 

Amber: It's so easy sometimes to slip into that negative mindset. I'm thinking about when I was a teenager. I feel like that's a phase where we all have a lot of self-judgment. We're trying to figure out who the heck are we actually, for sure. 

Yeah. It's horrible. And our brains aren't fully developed and 

Kate: We're just walking hot messes . But 

Amber: To see it differently, like, what else do your scars mean besides that you're imperfect, it's a reminder of what you've walked through. 

Right. 

It can mean something else. 

Kate: Yeah. You know, it's funny you ask that because I actually have a tattoo that's a compass and it says, you know, obviously without the coordinates it says Love L O V E is my coordinates. It's a journey back to myself. And when I look at my scars, it's a part of my journey. 

I don't call them scars anymore. I just call 'em my coordinates to light, , to this, to where I'm at, because. This is far greater than what it was, but I'll never regret my past. Everything had to happen to have me be where I'm at, you know? And by those choices I made, it's exactly where I'm supposed to be. 

And that's the beauty of it, is we have choices. You know, we wake up with a choice. Do I get out of bed? Do I get out of bed happy? Do I get out of bed angry? And I get outta bed and I'm always in deep reflection. I start my day off in reflection. and as a teacher, when I'm in the car, I definitely have to reflect on the way home. 

 It's my way of processing and then saying, okay, I felt that that drove me nuts. All right, let it go. , I'm allowed to feel it. Human, you know, human reaction. . We always hold compassion for others, but never ourselves. We find it easier to do that for others than we do our own selves, and now I just choose to take back some of that compassion, hold it for myself, and now I'm able to love people even greater , whom I choose to know? Because now it's like I'm very self-aware of who I give my energy and my love to as well. 

Amber: So I'm just curious, did you just start trying different things to see what worked for you? Did you kind of have this moment where like, enough is enough and I can't be with all these things in my head and it needs to change? 

Or did you have someone that was helping you with this process? 

Kate: At the time the pandemic, I had been reintroduced an old friend, we talked almost every day and she was amazing. But she also knew the right questions. to ask that triggered Me which is probably why it was so good yet intense for me to do this work on myself. 

 I utilize life . I utilize TikTok. It's gonna sound very random, but I would go on, and scroll through and there would be things that I would touch. Little messages. Someone might have said a long spiel, but there was like three words. 

I'm like, huh. And that would allow me to rethink about something about my past. And that's pretty much what I did. I, I never had a great connection with therapists, and that's just from my childhood. No one knew how to approach me because of my facial differences, is how I took it. And that triggered me because they're the adult. 

I walked in into one therapist and it was awkward silence. I'm like, Okay. And, I'm waiting. In my mind I'm thinking are you supposed to ask me questions? What are We doing here? like I'm angry now. 'cause now we're just sitting there and I'm frustrated and I can feel their energy and I'm like, They don't know what to say to me. 

They don't even know how to approach me. I could feel this energy and I'm just getting more frustrated and I'm like yelling. I'm like this is your job. You're supposed to ask questions. Now I'm coming off as an angry, bitter person 'cause I'm just sitting there as a teenager. 

You're not helping me. You're actually now making me more triggered and I don't like you. And I would tell my mom, I'm like, no more, I can't. No one knows what to do with me and that would make me feel so small. I just didn't understand the luck of the draw I was having with anyone in the medical field. 

I know some of it was me. Do I believe that these therapists should have asked questions? Yes, but I get it now. At the time I definitely didn't get it . So that was the route I was definitely not going to take. I'm not opposed to it. I tell people, if it helps you do it , it just doesn't help me. 

So I just did it all on my own. I figured it all out on my own. And I always knew though, I had family. If I was ever at a breaking point where I couldn't handle something, I know that I could go to somebody within my family or within my small group of friends. I never doubt that, and I'm not ashamed to do that either. 

 There were times I reached out to my cousin like, I'm gonna lose it . This is so hard. Like what am I? You question yourself, the self doubt comes , and you're like, oh my God, I feel like I just reversed, the past 90 days of work I've been doing and I realized I'm holding expectations for myself on this journey. 

 I am doing that to myself. Nobody's doing it to me. I'm doing it. I'm like, wow. I'm my worst reflection right now. That's when I started embracing those things with a more positive attitude. Kind of like the humor- oh, okay, you're doing it to yourself. 

Okay, well then this does not have to be this, horrendous. and that's where I just kind of retrained my brain. Accountability was what worked for me. It really did help me to remove the ego o portion. We all have ego, but it's what we do with our ego, you know? 

You gotta Keep a balance. And mine was just an overdrive being so overprotective of myself because I never felt protected by society. So I had to relearn how to balance myself and let go of negative self talk, conditioned thinking. It comes back once in a great while, and I just kind of shake my head like, no, not today, we're not doing this . 

But I allow myself to sit and be like, okay, let's sit there. It's almost like an adult tantrum. I'll sit in the car and be like, all right, just lay it all on me. Let's get every negative thing that's going on in your head. Sometimes I'm happy that I'm wearing an earbud in the car because people don't think I'm crazy as I'm talking to myself. 

But it works for me. I'm not worried about the world, I'm just worried about me. 

Amber: Sometimes people, view TikTok as like silly videos, right? I love that you're normalizing that you can use it as a way to heal yourself. 

You were finding things that connected with you and you're using it to move yourself forward. It's like you said if you need a therapist or TikTok, it doesn't matter as long as it's working for you. 

Kate: Yeah. So my biggest thing is people say, oh, you're quiet, , are you upset? 

 I'm very quiet and I I'm an extrovert by heart, but after this whole self-healing, it's almost like I feel like an introvert. I like my hermit things, I like my peace, but when I go to work, I'm around a lot of energy, so I gotta keep that, somewhat balanced. 

But I listen by observation. And I don't just observe about your movement, I observe what you're saying. 'cause does it align with what you're doing? Does it have action to go with what you're saying? It's not a form of judgment, it's for me to understand like, okay, I don't align to this. That's okay, but I don't need to exert all this energy into paying attention 1000% to what you're telling me because you don't even believe what you're saying. 

You know? And it's kind of like that, putting the puzzle pieces together for me by observing and listening to what others have to say. Because there are things like, I can go into a very long institute day lecture and, and hear a lot of wa, but then there's like a key word. I'm like, oh. And then I'll catch myself repeating it, why am I saying this word over? 

And it's almost like I'm. Putting in storage in my mind- you need this. It's a tool for you later. It's gonna trigger you later, just so you know. Then all of a sudden it will trigger me later. I'm like, oh, okay . So now my body is very aware and open to these lessons. You wanna continue to heal and grow. 

You wanna be your best version of yourself. And not for anyone else, but for yourself. Because it allows you to feel good and, and the self love and the self worth has allowed me to take on these lessons with somewhat of an enjoyment of knowing that there's a greater outcome. And when I could be my best person, then I could give back to others the same reflection, and it motivate them to do things. 

 I'll get messages on TikTok and people send me dms of I've been silently behind TikTok, with a couple followers and you've allowed me to motivate myself. And I'm like, as long as you're doing it for yourself. Hold no expectations. I always say don't go into it thinking you want this. 'cause if that's the case, it's never gonna meet the things that you want. Social media can go left and right in a heartbeat. Mm-hmm. Do it for yourself and if it allows you to feel good do it. 

I'm so happy for you to do this for yourself. 'cause I get it. It's scary. But if you want to do this to help you on your journey, go for it. Find those outlets. That's what I loved about TikTok at the time, was one, I loved the positive side of TikTok. When you saw other countries hanging outside their balconies all singing as a neighborhood like that just brought tears of joy, to my soul. 

And knowing that in the greatest schemes of darkness that we were all going through, we were all going through it. Across the globe, but yet people were coming together and helping each other by bringing joy. And so watching people evolve on TikTok with their own passions, watching people quit their careers, and go after their passions that they didn't even know they had. 

 What an honorable reflection that is. Because I'm doing the same with creativity. I did not even know I was creative and I could never really compliment myself until now, until the past year I could take a compliment. 'cause I never believed it. And not that I didn't believe the person telling me it, I didn't believe it within, I ain't gonna lie, it just made me cringe. 

But now I give myself compliments. I made a video the other day that I was like, I'm just getting so much better at this. I'm so proud of myself . And it's so weird to say those things, but yet fulfilling. I don't need validation from the world. I don't need validation from anyone,, but the fact that I can validate my own self is a huge, huge step . 

Amber: And that's powerful, right? Because you're not looking for any sort of fix or any sort of solution outside of you . . You have all of the answers and you have everything you need. That's extremely powerful when you get to that place. 

Kate: And I want that for everyone. that's why social media could be great or it could be dark and scary and obviously, Media they're fear driven, they wanna incite the fear, and I'll turn it all off. 

I went through, I think it was six months where I stopped putting any TV on, and I don't even have tv. It was cable. It was more the apps, you know? Mm-hmm. Documentaries, everything. I just stopped it. That was when I was in the heart of healing, going deep into like my soul. 

And I was like, I can't, I can't do any of this toxicity. I had to have conversations with my own mother about that too. She was consumed by the news and that what does the news do? It plays over and over and over, the same thing. So this was on 24 hours even while she was sleeping. 

 At one point we were all like, we can't talk to you anymore. , at least for now, like we cannot, you're so negative and how do you say that to someone you love so dearly? There comes a point though, where , well, you have to explain to them why you're not talking to 'em. 

 I was like, wow, like none of us wanna call you because everything is so negative. everything is just spiraling for you. I need you to stop playing the tv. I need you to find something that you love. I need you to move, like just step outside. And, when she slowly started doing that and her world has changed so much too, and it's like, yes, because at everyone has their story, you know? 

She came from a family of 13, grew up very poor, so she does not like being vulnerable and she's open about that. And I, I understand. In the beginning I didn't, but then once I started doing my own journey, I was like, oh, I gotta hold more compassion for her because, I don't know her story. 

She hasn't really shared those inner demons with us, but you know, they're there 'cause we obviously learned a portion of that growing up from her. And that was the other hard thing, allowing myself to say, okay, I forgive because she doesn't know any better and this is how. Generations just grow upon these conditioned thoughts, you know, this way of living. 

It's like you're your own person now. So if you're an adult, you can make your own choices. And having that realization is like, okay, I already know what my story is. I don't know where her story is so I could still separate them and still love her but with boundaries. 

Amber: And you talked about like protecting your energy too, and that's a great description of that. 

You weren't trying to change her and you weren't changing yourself for her, you were just letting it be what it was and loving her in a way that didn't take away from what you were doing. 

Kate: Correct. And my siblings were like, how do we have this conversation? 

I'm like, let me do it. 'cause at least I'm over here doing the work. 'cause I'm gonna come from a little bit more compassionate way. My sister was going through her own struggles, you know, and that's her story . . But it was like, okay, that's gonna be too intense. , they would've butted heads 

it would've been disastrous. And my brother lived in Iowa and he was trying to keep his business open and he just opened like two years prior. And so he got his family out there. So I was like, I got this, I got this. And I was able to, Speak to her in a way that she understood. I'm sure she was hurt. That's the hard part is when you say stuff to people is \ you worry about hurting them. 

Well, if you're doing it maliciously, then that's on you as a person. But if you're doing it with compassion and you want the best for them and you want relationships to stay strong, then you can't hold onto the hurt. Being a very empathic person, I take on everyone's energy and, sometimes that's so hard to differentiate what's mine and what's others, because I've always been a very caring, loving, nurturing person that wants to just fix everything, yet I didn't wanna fix myself. 

You know, what are the odds? That was another thing I had to learn to work with is understanding the separation, the boundaries of, okay, this might hurt you to, you know, say this to them, but it's gonna be okay. Trust, and that's my biggest thing, is trust, releasing trust and letting go, and surrendering and just staying positive about it. 

Because you go into a situation with negative thoughts, you're only attracting negativity back at you, and I truly believe that. You put out negative energy, that's your world it's like a back and forth pinging pong of negative, negative, negative. And I love living in the positivity, so I always put out positivity. 

And so then that's what my world friendly is just surrounding my, I'm so blessed to be aligned with the greatest people. And even on TikTok, I'm like, I, I love it. I, I have a very small niche of 3000 followers that I love. I love having conversations with. They're just amazing and they've done so much for me on my journey without them even knowing. 

Amber: I love that, and I think it goes back to the positive side of of social media, right? You've approached it very authentically and you've created this very authentic group of people where there's this reciprocal energy that you guys are getting from each other. Yes. And I think if you weren't being authentic, that wouldn't be true, right? 

You wouldn't be attracting those same people . 

Kate: Correct. 

Yeah, 1000%. I'll give you the best scenario of my life. The other day I was doing laundry and I was wearing slides and I was kind of looking down on my feet like, you know, these are a little bit bigger than your feet. 

Like, let's be careful. So I was moving about up and down the stairs. Slowly. 'cause God forbid, you know, hit the step wrong. So I'm back up the stairs and for one minute, for one tiny little second, a negative thought came into my head like I was a little anxious 'cause I had something to do later on that day. 

And all of a sudden I allowed that to come in. And right at that second, I had tripped and I thought I broke my toe. I hit it so hard, like you could hear it. So I dropped the basket and I dropped my phone and, and the phone was just on, I forget some TikTok, something funny. But the phone dropped and I didn't even care about it breaking or whatever. 

 I was in pain and I was like, okay. And now I buckled to my knees on the stairs just breathing it out . But I'm telling myself like, well, universe just stopped you dead your drops because you literally allowed yourself to have that negative talk for one second. 

What happened? You tripped. And so as I'm looking at my phone, It was cute. There was, all of a sudden it was, the f y p page and there was a little child on their hands and knees praying, and, the little meme or whatever said, will you please take my burdens from me in this moment? I could use your help. 

And I'm sitting there thinking, okay, , I'm down on my knees. Why not just align with this? And I just took that deep breath and was like, all right. Universe, can you just take my burdens for me? This anxiety doesn't need to be here. I don't need it. Then just, the pain went away and I got up and was like, oh. 

 It was so random that that happened, but it was like that quick second of negative thought, you know, negative self-talk. And it was kinda like, universe slap me back on my place. You create your world, you create your karma. And I wasn't angry that I tripped. Like before I would've been you know, cussing and angry like, oh great, what a day, blah, blah, blah. 

You know, add it all up. Right. And I just kinda laugh. Okay., yeah, that hurt. Grateful that my toe's not broke. Gonna take these shoes off, you know, making it. Very humorous. 'cause it was, but by this point now I am laughing at myself. I'm like, I get it. I get it, universe. I hear you loud and clear. 

Amber: 

You were open to receive that lesson. 

You could have just gotten angry, you could have said it was a coincidence, but you were open. 

Kate: Yeah you know, and I don't really believe in coincidences. For me, everything aligns like it has purpose. 

Yeah,. 

Amber: My thinking has evolved to the point where I'm like, no, it's not a coincidence. These things are lining up. 

It goes back to that accountability and. That the things that transpire are result of what you think and do and, and believe and feel, so for sure, 

Kate: I don't believe that like we're all put in a situation that, you know, God forbid something horrifying happens to someone. I don't feel you control that. 

 We all have a journey. We all have a story that's so different and it's so unique, but it's ours. What I was doing with, it wasn't working for 30 plus years. Yes. And so that's, for me, what needed to change was I can't change the world until I change myself. How can I convince the world if I'm not authentic, you know, with my own self. 

And like you said, that it comes to show with TikTok is like. If I wasn't authentic, then how could I be impacting others' lives? I'm grateful that I got to have that blessing to do that. But it was more so like to share. I wanna be honest and vulnerable here. Self-healing sucks. 

 It's not fun. I don't sugarcoat it. It's, it's hard. It's some of hardest work I've done, you know? And I went back to grad school twice and I was like, ah, you know, working in a high school setting isn't fun, you know? And I was just thinking about that the other day. Sometimes I'll kind of have these visions of what I wanna do in the future. My intention is to do motivational speaking and starting in high schools. And I kind of had this vision in my head of speaking to high schoolers and sharing stories of what that felt like or feels like. For me it's intimidating in a way because teenagers. 

Well, this generation is kind of cool. I like it. they have a stronger voice, a more powerful voice with technology available at them. It's what they choose to do with that , like I said, good and bad. You have the kids that wanna grab their phones and videotape fights and videotape the violence and the negativity, or make fun of people or bully people. 

But then you have the people that utilize the platform to motivate and inspire people and, and the things that they've done and are things I, I couldn't have dream of doing at that time, but my voice was silenced by my own self. So now that I'm 43, , I'm choosing me, and I, I'm finding self-love and self-worth. 

 Why not? Why don't I use my voice? It doesn't matter how old you are, , it doesn't matter when you start. I would love for teenagers to have that moment and opportunity to start that. I wish schools would focus more on self-love in the early elementary grades where it's so important to have those skills and understand what boundaries are even though it's such a young age. Yeah, there are some rules growing up and stuff. But understanding right from wrong in the sense of knowing that if you put yourself in that situation, this could happen. Real life situations, not some of the stuff that we've learned, you know, that's been embeded in our heads with testing and everything else. 

That did nothing for me growing up. But building my self esteem and building my self love and self-worth could've been more beneficial. 

Amber: Absolutely. And we're closing in on hour, so that's probably a good place to wrap up. This might be hard to synthesize in one thought, but what is your best advice for people to get closer to that self-love if they're maybe not quite there yet? 

Kate: My best advice is I love listening to positive affirmations and doing meditation. Meditation isn't just, you know, some proper procedure where you sit up straight and you do all these deep breath techniques, to me, meditation is finding that comfort. Like half the time I did meditation, I would lay down and fall asleep. 

 It's learning. It's going outside, sitting under a tree and just breathing and sitting in silence and just telling yourself you're gonna be okay. Telling yourself each day gets better. It's that personal motivation. Be your own motivator. Don't look for it elsewhere. 

Look forward within your own self- that's the best place is starting within you in loving yourself and giving yourself self care. Take yourself on a date. Take yourself to a movie. Do a facial, you know, pamper yourself. Do things that your inner child would love to do. 

 I gravitate towards that all the time as much as I can. I love any inner child activity that just makes me feel alive. 

Amber: That is all great advice. And you have your podcast, right? Infinite Love, and you have your TikTok. Where can people find you on TikTok 

Gootzie 

Kate: Girl or gootz1980 

Amber: I will drop the link to that 

 Obviously you have your Crouzon syndrome as part of your story. I feel like it's so much part of our journey as we're going through our teenage years especially and just finding that self-love and finding ourselves that's like so true to the human experience. 

Kate: Yeah. Everyone has a story and we all connect somehow in some way. Take what you can get from my videos. If it's one word, if it's just an emotion, that's amazing. Take it, run with it. Allow yourself to feel it. 

'cause it's true, what you just said. We all have the same human Experience. We just go through it a little bit differently. We could still learn so much from one another. 

Amber: Absolutely. And that's the other positive side of social media is we get to see our similarities, right? And we get to see a little bit of differences and we get to learn. I think that's that's such a benefit of where we are right now with technology in our society is we have such an opportunity to learn from other people in a way that was like never ever possible before. 

. And I do appreciate this because I think your story is very important and very relatable. Thank you so much for sharing. 

Kate: Oh, thank you so much. And thank you again for having me.