How to Reparent Yourself and Raise Emotionally Intelligent Children with Karen Hall

Being born 3 months early left Karen with an immature immune system. As a result,  she felt deeply and was highly sensitive to everything around her. Karen used her curiosity and drive to be her best self to finally discover that her sensitivity was a gift, not a character flaw. Armed with this new perspective, Karen went on an inner journey to reparent herself and be the best parent she could be for her children. 

Karen Hall is a spiritual life coach, trained by Marianne Williamson.  For over 23 years she has been intuitively helping people be transformed to return to the love they were born with.  Karen helps uncover limiting beliefs, empowers and builds confidence, and transforms pain into purpose.  She is the host of The Hero Within Podcast where guests share their journey to find hope and healing. Listen to Karen's podcast every Monday and Thursday and help spread the love by following and sharing episodes with loved ones! Karen has been married for over 37 years and she and her husband have 4 amazing married children and 5 wonderful grandchildren.  Karen also graduated with a BS in Medical Dietetics, and is a lactation and weight loss consultant. Find Karen's podcast and website links at https://linktr.ee/theherowithinpodcast. 

Transcript

Amber:  Today on the Life After podcast, we have Spiritual life coach Karen Hall, who is also the host of the Hero Within Podcast. Through her work, Karen looks to help people transform their pain into purpose.

Do you wanna talk about that what got you started in coaching 

Karen: yes, I, I would love to. So I have always been somebody that's been curious about people and about relating with them. I can remember being very young and asking my mom specifically, but also my dad, why people behaved the way that they did.

 And it was a constant question. My trauma started at birth I was born three and a half months premature. And back in those days, they put me in an incubator my mom couldn't touch me or hold me or couldn't feed me, couldn't nurse me, nothing. And so so for three and a [00:01:00] half months she didn't get to touch me and I didn't come home until July.

So was born in April and because I was born so early, my nervous system wasn't totally developed and I was very, very sensitive to outside stimuli. I remember I got scared, easy. I still do and and I was always trying to develop courage, to do things.

And when I was a little girl my mom read to me the story of the little engine, that could, and I don't know if any of your listeners know that story, but. About a little blue engine that is smaller than the rest of the engines. And this one engine breaks down. And that big strong engine comes by and, and the engine says, please help us. And they say, no, we're too busy we can't. So these very powerful engines are able, but not willing. Then the little boy then comes by and says, I'll help you. And they're , how can you help? You're just a little engine. And the little engine says I, I think I can. I I think I can.

I think I can. They start [00:02:00] pulling the engine over the hill. And I think I can, I think I can . That became my motto, in life. I remember my mom encouraging me to do scary things and, and , I would say, I think I can and I still do that.

 I still use that mantra for starting new things and, and doing things that are scary and, and pushing myself to do that. So that's one example. But because I was so curious about people and about relationships my mom and dad are both very curious about people in relationships.

My dad's a psychologist and and my mom loved learning all the things, that he was learning. She loved learning about parenting. She was always studying . , I would always turn to her and say, this happened with this thing at school or whatever. What, what do you think?

Why do you think, that person would do that? And she would use her imagination and she taught me to use my imagination. So that was very helpful. But there were times that I forgot that and there were times that being so [00:03:00] sensitive that I would get my feelings hurt and I would get my feelings hurt quite deeply.

 Because I felt being so deeply, not only was I not very sensitive and having this immature nervous system that was developing, I was also an empath but I didn't realize it . So it took me a while to figure that out. I also was told a lot that I was too sensitive, and I was told that most of my life, and that was a weapon.

And it hurt me so badly when people would say that because I didn't wanna get my feelings hurt. But I did, and I didn't really have the tools to know how to deal with that. My mom had a different personality than I did. I needed more maturity, I needed more experience, and I needed to understand things better.

So as I got older and I learned more and more things I learned about, my divine identity. I was on a spiritual journey for a long time, and when I realized how[00:04:00] I was created with this personality and that God understood who I was and this was actually a gift that he had given me.

It was disguised as a weakness in my mind. I felt it was a weakness because I had been told that for so long. When I saw it as a gift, it changed everything. And I saw how I was able to use that sensitivity to pick up on things that other people might not pick up on. And I was able to, read people and I was able to discern things that I know I would otherwise have missed.

I was able to see that not only did it bless my life, but I was also able to bless other people's lives. That was a glorious day celebration for me. And, it happens again and again. I just had something happen where I I had picked up on something and I felt something was going on with somebody and then they poured their heart up to me and told me everything.

And I was just , oh, my word. So it prepared me. Because I was afraid, I loved to be prepared. When [00:05:00] I was going to school , the first time I went to elementary school, I remember my family had moved and, I think I was seven years old.

And I went to a new school. My mom took me to the school. I wanted to go see it. I wanted to walk around and see where the classes were and see where the playground was. Where was I gonna arrive and, I did that every time I changed schools. I'd go and walk it out and see where it was

And so being prepared was very important to me. I think that's one of the reasons why the Lord gave me that gift of sensitivity to discern, was because I often receive warnings about things before they happen. That is so helpful so that I can be prepared, for a future things.

Amber: I wanna go back to for a second. You talked about how you kind of had to have this shift in your thinking to this thing that was a weakness. It was more of a misunderstood gift that you learned to work with.

You learn to work with it and you learn to use [00:06:00] that to understand yourself better and understand other people. That's so important because we all have something that we might perceive as, a personality quirk or a weakness. , that's such an important reframe that how can this be a gift?

How can this be used for something beneficial rather than getting stuck in that idea that it's something that needs to be fixed. 

Karen: Right. And it's interesting now, even all these years later, that I have practiced , working on, on that. And and I have also worked on, Not taking things so personally. That was one of the things that I did with my sensitivity was I would get my feelings hurt.

I would miss perceive things. Sometimes I perceived it correctly, but , , the person did impend what, what they were saying. But I was so affected by it that I wasn't able to dismiss it and just say, well, that's their opinion. That's not what I believe about myself, but that's what, that's okay if they believe that. I did not have that ability.

And so when I [00:07:00] learned that, I mean, I'm still working on that one, but it's an interesting thing that happened within me because when I would get my feelings hurt and I learned how to be resilient in that and let go of the pain and be able to work through it, I remember feeling so free that, that it was okay if they thought that.

 And it's okay if I disagree with them, and it's okay if I have my own belief about the situation or about myself or about whatever it was. And when I would default, when I would get in a highly escalated state , I recognized later that in that escalated state, I couldn't remember those tools.

I couldn't remember how to let go of it. I couldn't remember that it's okay. I couldn't remember all those little things. Then I would feel shame because I would feel , oh, I should be over this by now. I said, didn't, , let that hurt my feelings so much or whatever. So I had to work through not only the default mechanism that [00:08:00] I had in my mind of , getting stuck on the thing that had hurt my feelings, but then I had to work on the default of shaming myself or getting stuck.

 Then I had to forgive myself in several layers. I found that process to be fascinating. When I became aware of what I was doing and the judgment that I had about myself and the judgment was because of what other people had said to me. I had taken on what they had said, I'd internalized it. I thought there was something wrong, , because I, I got my feelings hurt.

 When I realized, that I needed to have self-compassion for myself, that the last thing I needed, was shame and judgment for myself in those situations when I was hurt. And what I needed was to have compassion for myself. So I did some inner child work and I did some reparenting of myself. I recognized that that little Karen really needed love and connection. That is the thing that strengthens me [00:09:00] every time that I am suffering is when I have love and connection in my life. I have to have the courage to reach out for that. When we were talking about relationships that affected my relationships before I was able to work on that shame and that self-judgment, because I would judge myself.

I would think there was something wrong with my personality and then I would want to isolate because I thought I'm causing a problem because have my feelings hurt. Then I would want to figure out how can I get over this quicker?

It's this race. , hurry up, Karen, get over it. When I just learned to love myself, I could process that so much more quickly. It was talking to a best friend when I was expressing love to myself and I knew exactly what I needed. Sometimes a friend doesn't know exactly what I needed, or they're not available or they don't know what to say or how to say it, but I knew what I needed.

 When I gave myself that self-love, I had so much more love to give to other people. Then I was also [00:10:00] able to love them when they were dealing with their personality quirk or their inner battle that they were dealing with. And many times I was able to recognize the root cause of why some people do the, , unkind things that they do is because they're not feeling loved.

And that was something my mom taught me ever since I was a little girl. She would say if they felt happy, they wouldn't act that way . Now I know even on a deeper level, if they truly felt love in their heart. they would not be acting in unloving ways. That was the same with me. When I felt love in my heart, I acted more loving toward myself and toward other people. 

Amber: You're absolutely right. I wanted to go back just a little bit to when you talked about inner child work and that re-parenting ? That was foreign to me until I had a therapist introduce it to me and I had a coach present it to me later on in a, in a different way.

 Do you want to kind of explain what that is ? ? 

Karen: Yeah, absolutely. Why don't you go ahead and [00:11:00] share your thoughts and then I can add any thoughts that I have because I definitely agree that's something that your listeners will wanna understand better

Amber: These are the two ways that it was presented to me, and then I'll just talk about how I use it. I had a therapist I really liked him. He was a no BS therapist, and he told me you got the shortt stick. You didn't get parents that gave you the tools that you needed.

So your job is to give those tools to yourself and to give yourself those things that, that you didn't have to learn. there were so many things that I had to learn, social skills and emotional regulation, all the things that , a child would normally get. That was helpful to me because, , I'd struggled with, , how do you make friendships , basic adult things, even household management stuff.

 I took a lot of shame on because I struggled with those things when the reality was I struggled because I wasn't taught when kids are normally taught. It took some shame off for me because I could acknowledge, okay, yeah, this basically sucks that I have to [00:12:00] teach myself as an adult, but I have the opportunity to do that. That was one way. 

Then I had a mindset coach and she said our subconscious doesn't know anything different between reality and imagination. So what she said is, , if you've had a situation in your life that was , especially challenging, make a story up.

Make a story up where it's exactly how you wanted, , your subconscious can receive that. It's my version of inner child work that I have these imaginary parents that adopted me. I have my own room and they play with me and they teach me all these things. And it's a different way for me to process.

It's kind of that imagination you talked about. , it's just giving yourself the things that you didn't get when you were a kid. I'll let you give your thoughts 

Karen: on that. I think that's so true in so many cases because these things were not taught to our parents.

 They did not know, , these things. They barely talked about self-esteem when I was raising kids. that was something I was getting, , when I was, when I was in college and I was hearing some things [00:13:00] and then they were talking about the impact on children and, they just didn't have that knowledge. And their parents certainly did not have it unless for some , amazing reason they had some this great insight. Most people did not have that skill, and they certainly didn't have that, , role model to them. In my case I don't really know how my dad what his role modeling was because his parents died when I was a baby.

 He has told me some things that, that he could remember, that I know he did not want to repeat. He was very determined to overcome some of the things and the ways that he was raised. There were some things that he would tell me were very tender and, and sweet things that he did gain, and he did repeat those things.

 It was interesting because as my dad was a psychologist, he was always trying to be better. He was always trying to learn and he wanted to be the very best parent and husband and father that he could be. And my mom was very interested in learning too. Because I went through that two and a half months of [00:14:00] not having, any contact with my family I am sure I felt very alone and probably terrified.

where did everybody go? The voices that I had heard, with my mom and dad, , the six and a half months that I was developing were gone. I didn't know what had happened. I think that a lot of times I misinterpreted things sometimes. And even though my parents did do the best they could, they could have, , if they knew what I know now, they would've done things very differently.

 They did do a really good job. Even with the really good job that they did, I had aspects of my personality that needed to be reparented. I needed to go back. And I have gone back to little Karen that's scared, and let her know that, , it's okay.

, I will talk to her as if I'm there with her as the younger version of myself and validate her and validate the feelings that she feels and basically, I coach her. I, just show so much love and compassion for her and for the ways that she feels.

It's a little dialogue that I have inside my head. . I'm using [00:15:00] my imagination, but my current self is back visiting my past self. , that's one of the, the ways that I do that. There's several different ways that you can do that, , but that's one of the one of the ways.

So even if you've had a very good childhood, which I did, I did have a very good childhood. I still had things that I needed to reprogram. I needed to rewire some things that I believed. I definitely have sensitivity to rejection. And I think that definitely comes from, my experience right after birth.

Amber: We understand scientifically so many more things now, that would be unheard of to have this little baby that was devoid of touch. Yeah, the other thing that we're just starting to understand, that pre-verbal trauma, , things that are scary to us that happened when we're infants or just anytime before we can talk and we can use words for our feelings that imprints in our brain it's there. We may not have the tools to talk about it, but it's there. I'm fascinated by how [00:16:00] everything that happens to us, how much impact it can have, , lifelong.

Karen: Yes. And it's really interesting. After I had my first baby and I saw how my baby would be in distress when I wasn't, , responding to her cry. I remember recently I watched a video about neuroception. Neuroception is what they called it. And, and how we can, we can perceive things immediately when we go into a room and we can tell by the look in people's eyes and by the vibe that we get, that we don't even know what it is that we're perceiving, but we can perceive if it's safe or not.

 They did this experiment with babies where they told the mother, do not respond to the baby. So they're in the room, the baby's crying and they don't respond. They don't look at the baby, they don't make any sound. They make no interaction whatsoever of any kind. They're ignoring the baby.

 Then the baby starts wiggling and it starts crying louder. And you can see on the face they're getting more upset and they move their hands and their feet and they're trying to get some [00:17:00] interaction. And the mother continues to not interact. Pretty soon the baby stops and doesn't make any more sound . I was just blown away with how that baby stopped interacting. Now, once the mother responded to them, the baby would smile and they would try and reach out for the mom. Then if the mother did that again, and if that was a repeated episode, that's happened, , in, in childhood trauma, that child quickly learns that that parent is not going to respond to them.

But when I saw my own children and how much they needed that response from me and how vital that was for their trust to know that I was there and I would respond as quickly as I possibly could to their needs. That was a very important factor in my parenting, probably because I went so long without that. When I was a child,, I had a nurse that, was there in the hospital, and my mom would come to the hospital and she said she would put her hands through these big thick [00:18:00] rubber gloves. But she didn't touch me with, with her hands, , her body. She just had her hands in there. She was afraid I was gonna die because they told her that I would die. That was very scary for her. But anyway, that definitely has affected me. And I also see that, as one of those gifts that connection is so important to me.

And I love people so much., I just love people so much and my family and my loved ones are the most important thing that I have in my life. 

Amber: This may have been an article about that study you were talking about, about the babies who their moms ignored them and, they stopped crying. They studied stress hormones, even though babies stopped crying, they were still physiologically under stress, that sometimes that can be a miscue for caregivers. Oh, well they stop crying. Going back to how important connection is, especially for infants that, , it is important, , especially if we grew up in a home [00:19:00] where there wasn't that high touch or our parents weren't in there, just super important for infants. It shapes them so much when they have that responsiveness. Obviously we cannot always be there immediately or be there quickly or, or stop them from crying, but it does have some deep impacts when kids don't have that responsiveness. 

Karen: You made so many good points there . That's so important for people to understand that just because the person isn't reaching out or the baby's not crying anymore, that they often are still having a physiological response within them, ,with that cortisol and the feeling of fear, , could very likely still be going on. And how, and how that affects, , people to this day. . 

Amber: I'm thinking of the carryover. You talked about how you have a very sensitive nervous system. It makes me curious, , how does that carry over to adulthood too?

 We kind of forget that we can ask for our needs. This is true for me and a lot of people that I've coached that [00:20:00] it's so hard to ask for your needs and it's so hard to even , put words to what they are.

Karen: For me, one of the things that was hard was asking for it. ] I was very able to ask for it, but when people weren't able to provide that and they would dismiss me or, not want to, or not be able to, meet that need that hurt, that hurt very deeply.

 So that was a process that I had to go through to understand that many people don't have the ability, many people don't have the same desire for that connection, , I do. It definitely, had an impact. I got more conscious about asking for what I wanted. Sometimes I'll meet somebody and I just feel so connected with them immediately, and I'm just , 

can 

I give you a hug. I love hugs and I love being connected. And so that's just one of the ways that I do that, . But I was gonna tell you how interesting it is as I was raising my children, teaching them to verbalize their needs and what was going on with them.

 I remember [00:21:00] when my oldest daughter she was my first child. When she was born she had very strong emotions and she would get very frustrated and couldn't speak. I remember I got these little pictures out for her. They were , I think there were six or eight different faces.

 One was a, a scared face or one was a mad face with a brownie eyebrow. One was, , a surprised face. All these different faces. And so I would hold that paper up to her and I would say, point to how you feel. How do you feel? And she would, and as she pointed to that emotion and was seen and heard, she started to deescalate in her emotions.

And we connected. She felt somebody cared. Even in a preverbal state, and she's a brilliant person, but this was before she was able to talk, she was able to communicate her feelings to me. And she was so responsive to being heard and to be, to feel understood. Because then I would say, oh, you feel angry.[00:22:00] 

 Then I would use my imagination you feel angry because of this, and what just happened that might be angry about? And then as I would say it, , she could nod her head. She couldn't say words yet, but she could nod her head. And and she would just snuggle up to me . She was so grateful. I would tell her how much I loved her and how I cared about her feelings. I don't know if I would've done that as much without the awareness that I had gone through all those years, , of trying to be the be better version of myself.

Amber: This is such a fantastic parenting tool or even a reparenting tool if you're needing to give yourself some support of talking about those emotions. Often it's happy, mad, sad, or scared, right? We kind of, yeah, simplify it to those emotions when our emotions are so complex.

 There's all these emotions that we don't talk about, and the more we can broaden our awareness, it takes that frustration down, what you're talking about with your daughter. When they're acknowledged and they're [00:23:00] heard and they're validated, it takes that frustration away it starts to settle down, , I would imagine the nervous system

Karen: . I definitely think it does settle down the nervous system, and I think it's soothing. One of the things that, I love to, learn about emotional intelligence and how to help people understand how to emotionally regulate themself and how to teach their children to emotionally regulate, because that was something that I worked on a lot with my children raising them. I remember when I was parenting, timeout was a really big thing and people would just say, go to timeout, , to their kids. So I would have my child sit in a chair, , in the corner or whatever. I remember thinking, this is working, because they did have a time to kind of pause and to think . I would say, when you're ready to talk to me about what happened and, and why that was inappropriate behavior, , let me know and, and we can talk about it.

And so we would, I remember thinking sometimes they kinda liked being in timeout and sometimes the opposite was true too. Sometimes they felt [00:24:00] that they were being rejected in timeout. When I saw that my child felt that they were being rejected in timeout, as soon as they would be ready to come out and talk to me, I would tell them how much I loved them and I would tell them, do you understand why you're in timeout?

Blah, blah, blah. Well, I remember I was praying about it and , I was reading in the Bible and Jesus said to the children, come to me. And he had them come and sit on this lap. , I have a picture of him with his arm around the children gathered around him and my spirit said to me, No, it's not time out, it's time in.

Bring your children to you. So when they would, have an issue, I would say, okay, come talk to me. Come sit with me and tell me what's going on. Holding them and that validation and that connection, I would increase that connection with them., I didn't know back then, but now I know that 99% of the time when a child acts out that they, they have a need that's not being met.

 I do think that time out does have an appropriate place. Personally, I think that it's more for the [00:25:00] parent or the caregiver than it is for the child. I think it's a way for the parent or a caregiver to learn to regulate their emotions. And sometimes the parent does need to do that. they need to say, let mom have a break, and mom needs to go sit in the time out chair . But for me that answer was time in and bring my children to me and, and increase that connection so that I can find out what that need is and, and what's going on and they can feel seen and heard and feel loved.

 Now I teach my grandchildren that. It's really special because my children are so much further advanced than I was as a parent. And I look at them as spouses and as parents and I marvel. I just marvel at all the things that they are doing. They took the foundation that I gave them, and then they built on it.

 They're not so amazing just because of what I taught them. I gave them the foundation, but they've learned things on their own. They have their own personalities and their children have different personalities. And [00:26:00] so they don't do things exactly how I did. And that's, they shouldn't because their situations are different.

 But I'm in awe . My mom, my dad's passed away. He used to be in awe. I think he's still in awe, , from up above but my mom comments on it all the time, , about how amazing it is and, the traits that she sees in my children and, and now in my grandchildren.

 I can't tell you the joy that brings to me to feel something that I have learned has benefited my children. And I always wanted my children to not suffer how I did. I wanted to teach them the tools so that they could be further along and more advanced and help them to not suffer needlessly, , 

Now I look back and say, oh my gosh, I had understood that the way I do now that wouldn't have hurt me how it did. And so that's how it has really helped in the healing for myself and helped I see it moving forward now in my children and, and my grandchildren.[00:27:00] 

Amber: So there's two things as, as you're talking. One, and you may be familiar with this work, but just knowing that diversity of listeners too, science backs what you're saying about time in. I always say where science and religion agree, there's truth.

 Dr. Purvis, she did a ton of work around parenting kids with significant trauma. That's one of the things that she teaches in there, that particularly for a child who's had some sort of trauma, that time out can be a form of abandonment to them. It can feel that way. All children, but especially if they've had trauma. , I they've done that with my kids and it's so different when it's ,we're gonna sit together until you're in a space that you can talk about it. I think it's different for each kid, but just that togetherness, even if they're really upset, , even if they're having this crazy tantrum and they're really needing to work some things out when you just safely sit in a space with them, it's so different how they get to that point where they can talk about it and you get[00:28:00] to sort it out with them.

Karen: Wow, that's, that is really fascinating. I'm, I have to go look up Dr. Purvis because I have felt that so strongly.

Amber: My family of origin, it was much more chaotic than yours. So I've had to do a lot of learning and a lot of reparenting for myself. I had a lot of things to learn, I did the best at the time. But you talked about as you get better, you do better. And you talked about this ongoing relationship with your kids, and it's so powerful. I can imagine you sitting down with your kids at the table and being I used to do it this way and , I learned that this is a better way and to be able to have those conversations with them and, see how much further ahead and then how much further ahead will your grandkids be? Right? 

Karen: I have to say Amber that I was a better parent for my younger children than I was for my older children because I didn't know that about time in.

, I didn't know that with my first two kids. It wasn't until they were older, , there were so many things that I did learn. I did have times where I [00:29:00] wasn't emotionally regulated. And even with my kids, I would take things personally when they got upset with me.

So there were so many things that I did better, I became better, and then I parented better. I tell my older kids, I'm so sorry, when I learned it,, I would tell them I'm so sorry, as I became aware, and so it is a process. It's not I had it all figured out with the first child or anything.

 I practiced as I went along and bless my children's hearts were forgiving me for the mistakes, , that I made because I did make mistakes even though my goal was for them not to suffer as I did, sometimes they did. And sometimes I had to, apologize for that and make amends and try to reconnect.

But thank heaven's children are forgiving and resilient. They helped show me how to be forgiving and resilient. And that was another thing that I learned from my children. I mean, when you watch a child forgive so quickly, it, it's a really powerful thing to see and to incorporate in your own life.

Amber: I wanna focus on how powerful that is to apologize to your kids.[00:30:00] That's such a level of emotional intelligence and such a level of modeling for them that, all right, yes, I'm the parent and I am aware enough that I'm gonna not do everything exactly the best and I'm gonna make mistakes.

, I just think that's so important to, to give that to your kids. 

Karen: That's an interesting thing because I, I remember dealing with people in my life that had a really hard time saying they were sorry. So that was one thing I did do when I was , sometimes I would be so stressed and I had some severe stresses in my life and I remember, losing my patients with my kids. When I became aware, I would just be , oh, I'm so sorry. Come here. Mom. , shouldn't have done that. And people would say to me, why do you say you're sorry to you're kid? then you lose your authority and you don't have the same power as a parent.

 I want them to learn how to say they're sorry and, how to be sorry. How else they gonna learn it unless I modeled that for them. So I have done the best I could. Wasn't always perfect at it, but [00:31:00] I, but I did work very hard. That was a goal. ,

Amber: I'm fascinated by that too. People that think it's weird that you would apologize to your kids. Why do we make this weird? it's just a, decent human being thing, ? Sometimes we forget that we're teaching our kids how to be humans. How we parent them that's teaching them how to have all of their other relationships with their friends and their future spouses if they choose to get married. It's so important to model all of those things. 

Karen: I totally agree. 

Amber: ,I think they know anyways if we do something that's not quite right, . 

Karen: I wanted them to know that it wasn't their fault, , because a child oftentimes defaults to, what did I do that made mom mad? , or whatever. And I always wanted my child to know that this was not their fault. Even if they did something, , that was disobedient, that caused me to act that way.

It was still not their fault. It was because I was not emotionally regulated and I wanted them to see me taking responsibility for that. But I have to say, even though. I had these [00:32:00] ideas and I had these goals and I had some of these practices, , while I was raising my kids., , I always say it's only by the grace of God that I was able to do any of these things, because it's so easy when you have stress and other things are going on to forget that this is a person right here. It's just a little person, but it's still a person. Sometimes we forget all the goals that we have. Anytime I was able to remember and anytime I was able to implement it, I totally acknowledge that it was only by the grace of God. 

Amber: I don't think we can do it by ourselves, , whether that's a support system, whatever it is. I guess I go back to recovery. Whatever your, your power is, , use it. Whether it's god, whether it's the universe, whether you have other practices or other people just to not be alone in that because it is a lot of work, when you're raising tiny humans or if you're trying to be your best self. 

Karen: Exactly., I think there's a spiritual community, even if it's just you and your higher power , that's a community [00:33:00] and , there is a power there. I can't deny that. 

Amber: Do you have any other wisdom to share? 

Karen: This was such a special experience to visit with you, and I really appreciate these questions. It, it was a joy filled experience for me to take a trip down memory lane and to think back on my life and where I came from and how, hard I worked to be a better person.

I had a lot of work to do and I built on the foundation of my parents. They gave me a really good foundation and then I built on that. And , the saying it's standing on the shoulders of giants. That's what I feel I did and I have done. Not of my own power. I feel so many times we're hard on ourself and, and I've been hard on myself. I have very high expectations for myself. And when I wasn't able to do it and I defaulted , when my amygdala hijacked and I couldn't even remember what to do and I defaulted, I would get so frustrated with myself because I know better.

How can I do that thing? When I realized, well that's part of amygdala Hijack. You can't remember cuz you're not in your [00:34:00] prefrontal cortex. I was just being human. The goal is then to learn to emotionally regulate. And so practices of mindfulness and meditation connection is extremely important as I've mentioned when I connect, that helps me emotionally regulate.

And I wanted to emphasize to anybody out there that is struggling and striving and feeling disappointment. We all feel that way and we all have to go through the process of falling down and getting back up and trying again and it's a practice. All of these things took so much practice.

It was a lifetime of practice for me and has been and it's going to continue to be until and I'm dead . I know I'm just gonna keep practicing these skills and I'm grateful for the opportunity to practice and I'm grateful for all the things that I'm learning and I am very grateful for the things that my children taught me.

It was because I wanted to be the very best parent I could be for my kids that I worked so hard, I wanted to role model forgiving, which was hard for me and not [00:35:00] resolving my hurt feelings quickly. I remember teaching my children that they were my motivation, they were my greatest motivation. They always have been my greatest motivation of being the very best that I could be because I wanted them to have the best life that they could have. 

And thank you for asking the questions and letting me share with you and your listeners because I, I just want everybody to feel encouraged , to celebrate that they are doing the best that they can.

 If they make a mistake, it's okay. Just dust off, get back up, try again, , and celebrate that You wanna try again, , celebrate the progress that you have made and celebrate that you have another chance to try again. 

Amber: And having a self-awareness, that you could do better. Celebrate all those things you were talking about. Celebrate all those small things and give yourself credit for all that hard work you're putting in. Acknowledge yourself for that because what a gift that you're giving your kids that they have this legacy. Your dad wanted to be the absolute best he could be and so did you, [00:36:00] and now that's, , getting passed on. . 

Karen: We could all, we could all be the little engine that could and just try again and think. You can think, you can think you can 

one more thought that I had is that anybody that has had a difficult childhood and is, , trying to to do the best they can, I just wanna say how much I applaud anybody that is trying to do better, because in the world's eyes,, well, they went from, , five to seven or whatever, and, and why aren't they at a hundred?

 It's so important to remember where we came from and where we're at and to to not judge ourselves, but to celebrate, , every bit. But I applaud anybody that has had those hard things in their life because it is challenging to overcome those things. Our childhood has a big impact on how we perceive things and how we interact and the beliefs that we have. I just wanted to say that because sometimes we can be hard on ourselves, especially if we have had a hard time and we're climbing [00:37:00] uphill and other people are already at the top and you're , gosh, I wish I could be doing what they're doing but you're not there yet, and that's okay.

Amber: Absolutely. It's so important to emphasize. That's one of the reasons why my therapist told me when you're trying to both parent yourself and parent tiny humans, it's so much work . It's not gonna look how someone who has kids and they have this picture perfect childhood and had a lot of resources and had a lot of tools and had a lot of good parenting. It doesn't mean it's less than, you're doing the best you can and embrace , the changes that you're doing by putting that work in.

Thank you for throwing that in there because I've struggled with that myself too. You think, Ugh, I should know this by now, or I should do better. And actually doing the best you can.

Karen: What's really funny is now my kids say that to me, , I'll default and I'll be lamenting something about myself and they'll say, mom, you're doing the best you can.

It's okay. And they'll validate me and I'm , oh, bless you. 

Amber: Full circle moment , when your kids tell you the same thing that you've told them.

Karen: Yes, [00:38:00] yes. That happened many times. Me, even when they were little, they would teach me back, the thing that I was trying to meet them.

Amber: This is just such an important conversation to talk about cuz it's so impactful how we raise our kids and I think to understand too, if we weren't raised and super perfect household. Not that there is such a thing, but , just a generalization. Yeah, yeah. To understand ourselves a little better and just take some of that shame off and to give a little bit of grace to ourselves. , I just think it's important. 

 Thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate you taking the time.. And tell us about your things, , if you have a blog, website, 

Karen: My website is Karen Hall coaching.com. I have, things there about life coaching and about parenting. I also have a podcast, the Hero Within and I'm looking for people that want to be interviewed about their transformations and difficult things they've gone through and how they have found healing. I love to hear, , their inspiring stories and [00:39:00] we can all learn from others. So thank you again for the opportunity to be with you today.